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Posts tagged ‘humor’

Clanging in the new year

My new column is up on the website of the Cary Citizen.

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Facebook Recommendation

Based on the connections that Facebook recommends, they might as well change the title of that section to “People you have nothing in common with”.

Candy

One of my favorite candies is Starburst, fruit-flavored squares that are initially hard enough to dent a car door. Once they are in your mouth they start to soften up. Until then, if fired with enough force, they could stun a full grown moose.

Thank you to the Morrisville Rotary Club

I would like to thank the Rotary Club of Morrisville for having me as their guest speaker today. The people were nice, the setting was beautiful, and they had a buffet the size of an Amtrak passenger car. By the time you made it from the salad section to the dessert table you had crossed into a different county.

Movie Trailers

I have this fear that one day the trailers will come on before a movie I rented and the disclaimer at the beginning will say “This preview is not appropriate for anyone.”

Beards

Lately it has been popular for professional athletes to grow beards. Either that or they have stapled small, dead animals to their faces. It is difficult to say. With some players, it looks like their own hair. With other players, it looks like they had a head-on collision with a badger.

Toothpaste

The box for a toothpaste we just bought says on it, “If you accidentally swallow more than used for brushing, seek professional assistance or contact a Poison Control Center immediately.” Apparently if the quantity is a little off, it changes from a teeth cleaner to a kind of cyanide. I wonder if their other products have similar warnings. “If you spill a cup of mouthwash, clean it up with a paper towel. If you spill more than a cup of mouthwash, your entire neighborhood must be evacuated.”
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